Understandable. I think everybody has a limit to what they will and will not accept when it comes to psychiatric treatment; yours is simply a little more stringent than mine. (Me, I draw the line at hospitalization---ain't gonna happen unless it's under a 5150.)

The problem here, I think, is that your illness is lying to you about how bad things really are. That's a hallmark of BP---we go into denial and believe that we're really OK, or at least we would be if people would just shut up and leave us alone. To the casual observer (me), you sound pretty scary......if you're still having random rages and fantasies about violence, if you're still having paranoid thoughts, they didn't do a very good job of stabilizing you at the hospital.

Unfortunately, it often takes medication to make all that go away, and your illness is lying to you to get you not to do what's needed to make it happen. That's one of the many cruelties of this disease---our brains tell us not to do the very things that help stabilize us, so we don't sleep, don't eat properly, don't take our meds....you know the drill.

FWIW, it took me a long time to accept that if I'm going to have anything approaching a normal life, I have to be medicated. Not everyone does; meds are not always the answer. Maybe you don't need them either once you get stabilized, but you really ought to consider taking them for now.

I remember when your tagline was something like "if I ever want to stop meds and therapy, slap me"; I wound up adopting that philosophy as my own and have told my family to do the same thing.