there's no way that you messed up, is CBT therapist should not be upset with you. You can't control these things. sense you see yourself slipping into suicidal tendencies is there anything you can do to protect yourself. please take precautions to protect yourself from things you may harm your self with. This may mean tuning over all silverware, razors, meds and getting rid of all house hold chemicals. Put in more safety measures then the hospital would. Call on Monday and try to get an emergency appointment with all of your treatment team so you can use the soonest appointment. Also make sure you call your pdoc because if you get your meds changed you may not have to be hospitalized. It will help that you aren't a threat to your self yet.