A Red Panda, I know you're right. Unfortunately I've been trying to do just that. Especially been trying to get ahold of my case manager, but every time I get an appointment with her she has to cancel because of some emergency. I'm not mad at her for this, just frustrated. As for my T, it's been hard to get our schedules to meet up. And besides, we end up talking about my boyfriend and two people with serious mental health issues living together and that sort of stuff. I've been trying my best to get ahold of them... except my CBT instructor because I'm scared.

Usually I start rapid cycling for a few weeks then it all sort of goes away. I'm trying to stick to a routine, and having the house clean always helps me but it's been really hard to get it clean, especially since I haven't had the energy and my bf keeps forgetting what I asked him to do, or only doing half of it. His type of clean, not mine. I also use to spend a lot of time on PC when things were getting really bad, which is why I came back.

Miguel'sMom, Thank you for the reaffirmation. I know he's not going to be mad logically - he's proven that time and time again - I've just put it off so long that I feel like I can't go back. I took a vacation, and said I'd call him after, but school started the week I got back so I never did... now I feel like he's forgotten me.
I know the first thing I reach for when I'm sui is my boyfriends sleeping pills. He use to be on trazadone, and I had been forcibly drugged with that before, so he asked his doctor to change. I don't know the name of what he's on now, but that's a lot easier to deal with... still, last time I ended up in hospital it was because I downed the whole bottle. When I get really depressed I start taking any pill I see, no questions asked. I also start smoking a lot of weed which only makes me more depressed. I'm really trying not to because I don't even like smoking weed, I just do it because it makes my brain numb. On top of all of this I want to quit smoking cigarettes, but I think the stress of that might kill me, especially since I don't smoke enough for NRT to benefit me.

I don't have a pdoc. I use to, but he caused a very traumatic event in my life resulting in the death of a good friend and me almost dying, so I don't see him any more. Since then I haven't been able to get another pdoc, even after hospital over christmas. No one will take me because my case is too complex. I live in Toronto, and my case manager and GP have sent my file to every pdoc they can think of, and any hospital I am in area for and no one will take me because I'm too f*cked up and crazy.

sorry. I wanted these replies to be short and i just ended up ranting...