WhiteClouds, I don't see "vile and ridiculous" in your dream. I see a simple need for connection with a significant person in your life, and the various insecurities and fears that prevent you from feeling secure in that connection.

The romantic/sexual stuff is super common, too--people often convert that need for connection into sexuality or fantasy romance. It's normal. Many of us have experienced it. Allow yourself to need the connection, and share that feeling with him, if you can. Odds are very good he'll normalize it, too, and help you to see what it means to you in the big picture. Don't be so hard on yourself.