Right now, I am sitting here not feeling horrible. I don't feel like I'm going to cry, I don't feel like the world is crashing in all around me, I feel like I could talk to somebody and act pleasant.

But, I'm exhausted for no reason. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with the rest of my life. I have no desire to go hang out with a friend (not that I have any anymore). I have no desire to find a girlfriend. I have no desire to go take a 30 minute walk on a nice day. *Nothing* could excite me or make me look forward to life or waking up tomorrow. A billion dollars could drop into my lap, and the only reason it would make me happy would be that it would make it possible for me to just continue avoiding life.

This is where I've spent my entire adult life, and probably the bulk of my life in general. There are short ups, and short downs, but in general, I just exist. Eat, go through motions, sleep. Eat, go through motions, sleep. I guess it's something I learned from my family.

So, right now, I don't feel like I would call myself depressed because I'm just existing at my typical baseline level. Not happy, not particularly sad, not angry, not necessarily filled with dread, anxiety, or fear, but not looking forward to having to live the rest of my life. I just exist in this murky, grey, puddle of, "ugh". I've been this way longer than I can remember. Never even accepted the term, "depressed" until recently because I seemed able to function on the most basic of levels and wasn't crying or cutting myself or doing the things I think depressed people do. I guess that's why I've beaten myself up for so many years for being lazy. If I have to go do something I can usually do it and maybe even put on a pleasant outward appearance, but inside I'm just thinking, "ugh...". If the task takes one extra second, I swear under my breath and get annoyed because it's one second extra of my precious life that I'm not spending sitting alone, at home, doing absolutely nothing.

Anyway, I'm not really asking for anything...just hoping that typing things like this to other people will somehow help me. I still feel guilty being this way because nothing horrible has happened in my life. But, I've been trying to "just get over it" for way too long...I realize now that this wasn't something that I asked for. If it were up to me, I'd be able to look at my not-horrible life and say, "Wow...I'm so thankful for my not horrible life because so many people have had to struggle so much more than me." But, I just can't. When something horrible happens to somebody I know or I think about kids starving to death I think for a second, "Oh wow...I have no right to feel bad for myself....look how bad these other people have it.", but I just can't hold on to that realization for longer than 30 seconds and learn something from it. I mean, compared to many of you posting here, I feel like my life must just seem like nothing but rainbows and unicorns. I just can't seem to harness that knowledge and use it for anything constructive.

I don't know what the point of this post was. I guess just more of me realizing that when I'm "Ok", I'm really not ok. Followed by more of my feeling bad that I'm not using the fairly decent life I've been handed for something less selfish than sitting in a room moping on the internet to a bunch of people who probably have things worse than I do.