Thanks for your replies. I feel very supported here. In real life I feel alone and just sad. I do need to find help for my son--he has some, but I need to do more. And when things get bad with my son it scares me--I think I could use someone like a T whom I could text, email, or call to get some feedback at times when my son is going nuts. My T says everytime he gets a text he has to "go back to work". I understand he needs his private time. I know there's a balance. Anyway he also said if I textd him saying I didn't want to live (which I did) and then I actually ended my life it would be devastating to his career--it would be investigated and found he hadn't responded to me. That's partly why he doesn't want me to text that I'm feeling like not going on.

I guess it's complicated. I just can't see myself going in this week unless I convince myself it's in my best interest. I trying to see his side, trying to make sense of what is actually the best for me, but I really find this so hard.