Hi, I'm new to psychcentral and this is my first post. Please forgive me, this might get sort of long-winded.

Here is my situation:
I have always been a terrified person. Since age 4 or 5, I have been completely fixed on the idea of being perfect: perfect grades, winning every award, making my family proud, etc. I do recognize that these things are what have gotten me to where I am now--a college student at a top ten university. However, it hasn't felt worth it at all. For years, I've been throwing up before exams without anyone knowing, and even when I manage not to, I experience problems like shaking hands, chattering teeth, racing heart, stomach aches, chills, and out of control racing thoughts. Logically, I know that it is okay to make mistakes, yet I cannot seem to allow it to happen. Instead, I spend hours studying for tests that I already have over studied for, and read and reread course material. I have even convinced myself that I haven't studied at all after studying for a consecutive ten hours. It literally makes me sick. This perfectionism kills me, but it isn't even half of it.

Ever since I was little, I have also had this thing where I have to confess "bad thoughts" to my mom, or else I am a bad person. My dad works nights and for years I was convinced that if I didn't wake him up at exactly 11:30, he would get into a car crash and die. I count in my head constantly, and will frequently check and recheck things over and over to make sure I really did them. I am constantly checking whether or not I heard, saw, or did something right, even when I know I have. Even if it means asking people to repeat things. I have several "lucky" numbers and I will immediately feel less panicky if I do things these number of times. And sometimes, especially when I'm stressed, i get these violent, sick thoughts that completely scare and disgust me, and the only way to get rid of them is to count them away. I also have these patterns where I have to touch certain objects to make other bad thoughts stop. I got my drivers license three years ago, but haven't driven for about a year and a half, as every time I do, I am irrationally convinced that I will start driving down the wrong lane and kill someone, even though I know this shouldn't happen in real life. This sounds funny, but I promise that it isn't. It's excruciating. Highways make me have a hard time breathing. Even when I did drive, I could not have any passengers in case I got into an accident and killed them. Oh, and I have to apologize over and over again even if a mistake is small. I've tried to stop it but can't. I literally annoy everyone I come in contact with, especially my family.

God, this is getting long. I'm sorry. And yes, I know how pathetic I sound.

Additionally, I have no friends. I wish I were kidding. I get sick before any form of public speaking, and my voice shakes and crackles. It feels like I'm falling apart. I can barely even hold a conversation with coworkers, because I'm constantly thinking that they wouldn't want to talk to me anyway, because I'm stupid, I'm a boring person, I'm disgusting, I'm not worth talking to, nothing I say is important enough, etc. And when I do manage to hold a conversation, it's mostly the other person talking, with me giving short, hesitant answers because I'm literally ready to run out of the room. I can't even bring myself to participate in classes anymore. My parents are always super worried, because I spend all of my time silent and on my own. I'm so lonely I can't even stand it sometimes, and it feels like maybe it would just be easier if I weren't around anymore.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a point where my classes aren't even interesting, and academics has always been my escape, so to speak. Like I could throw myself into learning because I was good at it and disappear. But lately, I feel like I'm going to crumple up into a ball of fear, and no matter how many people tell me to relax or stop being high strung, I can't. I have all these weird rituals that I do and I can barely hide them in public anymore. I'm constantly getting weird looks for the checking behaviors, and I wish that all of it would just stop. I honestly can't do it anymore. And every time I even consider telling someone about everything or contacting the counseling center, I convince myself that it's selfish, because there are people with much worse, "real" issues and I should just get over it. Or that I can't prove that I'm not imagining the whole thing. I don't know how to get over how ashamed I feel. I'm supposed to be better than this, but I'm so, so embarrassingly weak.

If for some reason, you've read this far, I would love any advice as to how to get over feelings of shame. Or if this sounds like some type of OCD to you. It seems like it does, but I go back and forth doubting it. I am terrified that even if I could bring myself to seek help, I would just freeze up and not say anything, which does happen occasionally. Any advice is welcome; I would love to hear from you but please, please don't make fun of me. I know a lot of this sounds ridiculous, I'm totally aware of it, but I feel like I can't even control what goes on in my head anymore. My parents seem to think its something I can snap out of if I just learn to "stop and smell the roses," and maybe it is. Regardless, I'm at a loss and I'm more miserable than ever. Help?!