Hello everyone, this is my first time on this site and I have to say that reading some of your posts and stories have really inspired me to tell my "experience". I will warn you that it gets very graphic and it is hard for me to put the pieces together especially since I don't remember all of it.

What I do remember is that I was abused on several occasions both sexually and of course emotionally. The thing is that I cant really visualize who it was. I know that it took place from the age of about 6 to 11 years old. The thing is that I remember being in an abandon car with a guy (but sometimes I see my brother's face and other times I see another guys face) all blurred together. I also remember that the abuser had a strange about of freedom in my house.

At times I have a memory of (the other guy- being a man from our CHURCH) baby sitting me and of course sexual abusing me upstairs in our house. But why can't I be certain if it was him or my brother??

The most horrifying thing is that I had a connection with this guy from church and I hate myself for it. It's like Im looking at myself at an earlier time and hating myself for keeping the dirty secret. I hate myself for not telling my parents when it happened. I also hate myself for things that it caused me to do on to others. I remember the guy telling me to touch another little girl that I was friends with at that time. And I remember him coaching us on how to touch ourselves and lastly, I remember him teaching us beastilality and showing us his private parts.

I never told anyone... and then we moved to a new area and found a new church and new neighborhood. But I remember the things that I used to do to myself when I was 13. I was a full blown alcoholic at the age of 13, hiding drinks in my room and under my bed. Which was accompanied by an on-going eating disorder (both eating too much and not eating at all). And to top it off, I attempted suicide, by taking one of every pill that I found in the medicine closet. Which put me in the hospital for 2 days. Yet my parents never took me to counseling or never questioned why I smelled like liquour or appeared high at times. Never did they ask or notice. The only thing that they assumed was that I needed God in my life and that our religion was the key to everlasting happiness and etc. Basically, they blamed my behavior on "typical teenage" rebellion and "seeking attention" so their cure was GOD.

Nevertheless, I was always a good child besides my up's and downs, I mean I managed to be a honor roll student throughout school and excel in a lot of things. In fact, Im 19 now and I am currently studying to be a doctor at the local college and Im doing very well academically.

But the one thing that I could never excel at was fighting my past and dissolving the memories of my childhood. All of the abuse has been kept INTERNAL. Although I did muster up the courage this year to tell my mom that I was sexually abused, I still feel like Im fighting it all alone.

In fact, I told my mom and my dad about my thoughts of my past childhood abuse and they really just brushed it off. To be exact their words were "Here you go with another one of your moodswings". So once again my past has defeated me.

Well, anyway, I am just glad that I was able to get that out. Even if noone reads this, or no one ever sees this. I know that I finally was able to tell my story. Now I gotta figure out what do about it.