but I bet if you look back, there wasn't any serenity back then either. that's how this crazy thinking works. makes us believe it was good when it wasn't. im sure you have more serenity now, even though you are still unhappy, than you did then, when you were miserable and suicidal. you have worked really hard to get where you are today. don't throw it all away. you will just return to hell. take care of yourself.