Hi- I'm new here and a little nervous. I am pretty anxious lately and have been dealing with anxiety & depression for about 15 years now (am 26 currently). There are numerous things going on with me and I can't seem to tell up from down.

To begin, I am just a very worried, anxious, and easily excitable person. On top of that, I feel like I am at a HUGE transitional point in my life that is very ackward and unsettling And, on top of even that, I have done something that has made all of the above even more difficult.

I have been married for a little over 2 years. I had been with my fiance for 5+ years before we got engaged. While we were in engaged, I had an affair. I was about to graduate college, get my first real job, get married and my anxiety peaked to the point where I felt I needed to go on Paxil. It helped with the anxiety- but I didn't feel any emotion at all. I was not myself. Please don't judge me because this is not something I am proud of. In fact, I carry the guilt with me every day of my life like a back pack.

I did not tell my husband until about a year into the marriage (when I got off the medication) and it is something that we've really been working on. After over a year, I can say that it seems that he is dealing with it much better than I am. I think about it all the time, wonder if people around me know about the horrible thing I've done and feel like everyone is judging me.

I am seeing a therapist to work on the guilt and the anxiety. I just often times lately feel crazy. My anxiety has taken over completely. I worry about death, money, will I ever be a mother? will I be a good mother or a crazy mother who always deals with these "bouts"? I often come home from work and just cry or stand in the kitchen because I don't know what to do with myself. My husband is SO supportive, especially given the circumstances. However, after months of this high amount of anxiousness and depression, it's draining him- he sees it as though no matter what, I'm still not happy. Maybe it's true- I don't know what makes me happy anymore.

I've always been so close and so dependent on my parents (I'm the baby of the family) but I'm at a point in my life where I feel I cannot or DO NOT want to turn to them to pick up the pieces. Not to mention I know that, although they would always love me, they would be very judgemental and not at all supportive. However, I feel so much shame and guilt that it feels like I'm starting to isolate myself from friends and family because I don't want anyone to know about our past OR to know that my anxiety is this out of control.

My parents, brothers, and all other relatives are starting to really ask alot about "when are you going to have kids?" This is just not something I am prepared to even think about right now but at the same time, is all I can think about sometimes. Am I even making any sense anymore?

Does anyone have any advice, support, or words of wisdom at all? I want to make my marriage work, but more importantly, I do want to work on MYSELF- which is also the key to making ANY of my other relationships work (husband, friends, family, etc)

Please help!