Secret81 - I pretty much feel exactly the same way.

I hope you find some strength, or find *something* that can make you smile..... and STAY with whatever that smiling-thing is.

I too really do not give a ____ if I live or not. 90% of me would prefer to not be here anymore. It is only the desire to see grandkids some day that gives me any desire to live.

I am not trying to bring you down.... my point is find SOMETHING that important to your soul and focus on that.

Hang in there. You are not alone.