I'm sorry that was so long and rambly :-(

Take home message:

Acceptance is really very important. Change is only one half of the story for Linehan, and the other half of the story is acceptance. But given that the problem (of non-optimal ability to self-soothe and to validate ones own emotions and perceptions etc) is due to lack of acceptance in practice acceptance can play a bigger role in therapy than change.

And (somewhat paradoxically) acceptance IS change. Especially when one has never really been accepted before. Oftentimes a lot of the behaviours that we want to change are expressions of distress due to lack of acceptance. One can try and change the behaviours directly, but that can be like trying to get through the wall by repeatedly bashing oneself up against it. If one switches strategies to acceptance... Oftentimes one can gain a clearer view of what lies beyond... A clearer view of how much happier one would be if one was doing that instead of the same old. One doesn't need to express such escalated forms of distress because ones emotions and thoughts and perceptions are validated so one doesn't need to attempt to elicit care by doing those behaviours anymore.

I really think it would help you immensly (and be a whole heap less painful) if you could see a t who understands something of this. Your current t clearly doesn't get it and I think you are going to get the same ending you have always got :-(

Sorry about my raving :-(

(edited to include the following)

also... all this is just my personal opinion and i don't really know very much about what it is that you are trying to change etc. if this seems to fit then that is good but if it doesn't seem to fit then that is okay too.