Hey. Something that I worry about is that I have a tendency to run away. Either to run away or simply to give up. I've never had a choice about the therapists I was assigned by community mental health. Sometimes I'd know it wasn't going to work so well after around 4 meetings. What I worry about a little is that maybe I decided it wasn't going to work so well after around 4 meethings. I simply couldn't connect with them, though. Just needed them to shhhhh and tolerate silence for a while and give me a chance to think... To think about what to say... And then to say something. And I just needed them to accept what I had said and validate my emotions or perceptions (even if they disagreed with my claims about reality).

And if they didn't do that... I figured I couldn't work with them.

But... Maybe I could have been more upfront about what I needed? Instead of withdrawing because I figured it wasn't going to work... Instead of watching them fumble around trying to get a connection and feeling myself receeding... Maybe I could have done something? I don't know.

Maybe... You could?

You could ask her what she knows about acceptance based strategies... If it isn't a great deal then maybe you could learn together? Maybe something you could work on is how to accept yourself? If she could model that it could really help... That way when trying to change something isn't working out so well then you could work on acceptance. Sometimes it is harder to accept something than it is to change it and so you figure out a way to change it after all ;-)

I really do admire your strength / determination / persistence in not running away or retreating from her. For sticking with it. I always go to therapy... But mentally and emotionally I retreat...

Do you want to tell me some more about how 'your boundaries are in question'? (only if you want to, it is okay if you don't want to)

What I do sometimes when I can't afford a book... Is I photocopy it. That way you can get the whole thing for around five or ten bucks. I only do that when I really need it and other people insist on recalling it or when I can only get it on interloan, and I can't afford it. I've done that with things and brought them later because it is nicer to have them on the shelf properly. I think that with academic books the majority of authors would be okay with that (you make stuff all from royalties anyway). The book is expensive because you can only get it in hardback :-(

I'm studying philosophy. The kind of philosophy I do is naturalised philosophy of mind (embodied cognition). Basically looking at issues in psychiatric nosology (taxonomy / classification) and more in particular how genetic, neurological, cognitive, behavioural, and sociological facts interrelate for developing scientifically adequate models of the causal mechanisms involved in different kinds of mental disorders. Kind of hoping to sort out a bit of a solution to the biological vs socially constructed debate along the way by figuring out how all of the above factors relate (e.g., is the relation one of causation? constitution? identity? I feel a box plot with looping arrows coming on...) But as my panel have said... 'which of those theses will you be writing'?

:-)

Psychoanalysis / dynamic theories are something of a hobby... I guess I think of those as more of an art than a science.

Not sure what I'm going to do when I finish up. Ideally, I'd like to get a post-doctoral fellowship or two to do research. I'd like to work in philosophy but it can be very hard to get a post with a nice teaching workload and with adequate time to research. If I can't get that... Then I might just go to med school... Or... I would like to train to be an analyst... I think they take people with non-clinical backgrounds but I'm not sure that you are allowed to practice. Not sure how good I'd be at practice anyways... I'm not so good with validating others or myself in practice :-( I wouldn't mind studying more psychology... Personality and social cognition in particular. And more neuroscience and cognitive psych too... I love being a student :-)

(Sorry that got all long again)