Hello I hope you are feeling better at this time. I really hope that you check witht the Dr and have the Dr give you something to take so that you do not have to suffer to this degree, with the recurring thoughts, and obsessive rationalizing. As you said you were not yourself, and you should try to let the past go if your husband is not blaming you for what happened. A good therapist and psych Dr can help you to move on perhaps you have been trying too hard to helpo yourself when you need professional help to move on with your life, and possibly medication, until you are strong enough not to blame yourself and obsess about the affair. I hope things get better for you soon take care let us know how everything goes in the future with the Dr. and your therapy welcome to PC sincerely Soidhonia