I am living with my ex who is also the father of my two youngest kids(who are now adults), we have had a strange and strained relationship from beginning, we had only been together a few months when i learned I was expecting our son he was 19 and I 25, I had two small children and had been through a very damaging breakup a couple years before meeting him.now travel through 25 years of him becoming a big time drug user, working here and there, girlfriends at every turn, some jail time.
Me an alcoholic, single parent, welfare for years, trying to hold on to him when I could we had a daughter when our son was 3. I just loved this man and still do.
I did however love my children and realized they had to come first,so I went to school took care of my mom and four kids, worked part time, he helped now and then, as time went on I definitely had my moments of breaking down,losing it, messing up bad but got myself together, by myself.I worked hard 2 or 3 jobs at a time and after years of abuse I become clean from alcohol and cigarettes.
I find out after his last jail stay 6 years back he went through a program and got clean, even stopped smoking! and believe me if you knew him it truly was a miracle, well through this process he and a female coworker become very close and after a year or so he marries her. it lasts a year or so and ends in divorce.I hear he is very sad and when I hear the details I feel hurt for him (you see I have never stopped loving him) we talk we get together and he moves in, I have a great job , he is working seems like it just fell into place like so many things I had worked so hard for and been so patient for,well it did not last long he said he could not get over his ex wife, and I who have had health problems mental and physical( I actively receive care and have for years) started trying to deal and fix things, I told him I can be patient and give him time (I did bring up past issues sometimes and that bothered him)things spiraled down down, I lost my job and was on unemployment(now waiting on disability) he has stayed here because he says we are his family but he has a girlfriend in another State he says it just happened, they see each other once a month, he told me today he will probably eventually move to where she is. I feel like I live in a nightmare that is getting worse by the day I have lost my Mom,Dad and sister also my best friend of 27 years among some other friends and relatives who have also passed in the past 2 to 10 years . I cry , I cannot sleep no one understands (even me) why I still have feelings for this man or I should say why I hold onto any hope of a life with him! I am so lost and so lonely!

sorry for the novel!
just reaching out I cannot go on like this!!