As I stated in another chat room I am dealing with a girlfriend who is currently inpatient for the 3rd time in 4 months. Plus, I am dealing with having no job, just had some heart issues and had to get a blockage opened up, my daughter away in another country studying in college....and my old issues of feeling "bad" and "needing" to harm myself are starting to drift in. I know after 12 yrs. of counseling that its not good, I know the things I am supposed to do and say to myself. But my girlfriend was my "rock" and would help me when things or times like this would creep up. Now I cant depend on her, or really at this point don't even know if we have a relationship anymore. She isn't the same person anymore......she is going to loose her apartment, her control over her own life and decisions, and most likely be put into a long term assisted living. She can no longer live by herself at this point. So I am suffering with the fact that I've lost what we had. I am going today to pack up her apartment and would really like to see her but she refuses to see me. Its been about a month since I've seen her.

I know I need to keep strong and be supportive.....but I ask you, who is there to support me? Where is she now? This all came to play because she stopped taking her meds.....which has left me angry at her. I feel worthless, and feel guilty for most of my feelings right now. I also feel as if I need to be "punished" or rather not feel at all......so in order to do that, that's when the "cutting " comes into place. I haven't done anything yet and I guess I just need to vent so I feel heard and hopefully that will be enough for me. I think it may........so just venting