Hi all.

Over the summer I seemed to do okay, I spoke to my doctor in May but she just dismissively told me to talk to my friends and family, which I can't. I don't have any friends and I'm not lying. I can't talk to my parents, they don't understand and they won't listen, they just think I'm being lazy and causing trouble.

My parents were raised with the "use what you have"- mentality. They didn't have much and built their own lives, their own future. My mom especially won't understand and she doesn't want to hear it. For 7 years, I've tried to make it perfectly clear that something was wrong. As if sitting in my room all day and not having a single friend to turn to wasn't sign enough.

Anyways, as I said. I felt better during the summer, the sun and actually pushing myself through the door helped a bit, but it solved nothing, it changed nothing. It was a moment of relief, that's all it was.

I still feel like a failure, I still hate myself with burning fire and I still have those terrible thoughts and it's getting worse, I'm hearing things and I feel paranoid. I can't sleep and I really want to do those bad things, it's just so messed up.

I know I need help, but there's a huge problem blocking the highway. If I talk to my doctor again, she'll ask if I've had those "thoughts" and the answer is yes, and she'll want to hospitalize me and I know I need it. I so deeply wish to get away from home, because I'd be in a place with equally minded people. I'd get help - BUT - my parents would know. All hell would break loose and I fear the result.

I was supposed to start in school, but because of a major eczema break out, I skipped and now a month later I got kicked out and now I have to pay all the school support money I got back. And my mom doesn't know.

As if things couldn't get worse.

It's an evil circle and it's been repeating itsself for 7 years. I'm the black sheep, the bad daughter and my mom can't deal with me anymore.

If she found out that it's been going on for so long, it'll break her heart.

Could I get medication without her finding out? I just need help, but I don't know what to do. I spent the entire night just crying my eyes out and I'm so lost.

Sorry for the long post, but does anyone have any advice? Telling my parents is out of the question, they won't believe it and if they do, they'll throw me out.