I've learned a lot about my "stance" from anger management. They showed me it's basically how you shift your weight in martial arts. I used to get knocked over a lot by other people in many subtle and creative ways. And it made me feel --- I stand corrected: I felt like crap.

What I came to realize that I hadn't figured out that martial arts isn't about fighting --- it's about body control: self-mastery. I was always off-balance throwing myself around in front of other people. No one seemed to respect me flailing around like my own amateur puppet show. Which is actually how I pictured myself.

Sometimes I'd lunge at people and verbally attack them. They're wrong after all, and they deserved it. I'd be forward, and just like in judo, they'd counter-attack and flip me. Ouch. Score one for self-loathing and another for public embarrassment.

Other times I'd be back on my heels defending what I did. Constantly. The wind could knock me over. I'd be on such a hair-trigger that even if someone did something nice for me, I'd be in their face because I thought they were insulting me somehow. I wasn't brightening my day or anyone else's doing that.

What I learned through therapy --- and if I'm honest, harsh experience --- is that being centered is the strongest position. I wasn't open to counter-attack. I didn't project or telegraph my weaknesses because I wasn't defending anything.

And I finally felt in control of myself because I wasn't getting knocked over all the time. When I remember this, I'm calm and confident. I'm not always, trust me. But everyone deserves to feel this all the time. My therapist uses the word "assertive" for this feeling.

I didn't have to give up my sense of justice or fair play. I did have to give up thinking I could change the world solely through offense and change other people's opinion of me through defense (or at all). I very, very, very reluctantly had to acknowledge that other people might have a different world-view than my own. And they don't have to do what I think they "should" do.

But for me, part of being centered means being able to move among different value systems without my own values being changed. "Stepping outside the game", "being above the fray", or a cliche of your choice is something that's required a lot (a looooooot) of work --- and still does. But the benefits have been worth it.

Also, just for fun and a bit of mischief... if someone is trying to 1-up other people, you can assertively walk up to them and ask, "Why are you doing that?"(important --- as a real question, not an accusation). Then walk away and look at how unbalanced they become, offense or defense.

Just in case you're wondering why I'm writing this, I spent about three decades learning to stand up for myself without attacking or defending. I work on it everyday. Anyone reading this can choose to ignore, agree, disagree, modify, research or trash anything I've said. I'm expressing my appreciation to be somewhere people can talk about their mental and emotional issues openly, so share what I can.