Hello, Rubbish, and welcome to Psych Central! First of all, I certainly don't see you as "rubbish," for goodness sake.

I can't say I have much of an idea of what is going on with you either. However, I am thinking that your rape (yes, it was rape) is affecting you. I could see how on some level you might see it as your fault and are sort of acting out that.

I am having a hard time with the idea of your going back to the guy who did it to you. And, as you say, you rebounded into a bad relationship. I think your self-esteem might have been affected.

Mind you, I am not a mental-health professional. I don't see that you need a psychiatrist at this point, but I do think you could really benefit by being able to talk to a therapist. If you can't afford one, then check to see about going to a clinic where the fees are lower.

Let's see what other folks have to say.