I suggest that you are that strong confident woman usually, and the one who feels like a fake and a mess, and negative is the part time persona. We all have an inner voice that tries to make us doubt, you just sound like you're believing that is the real you, when really you are the other!

I never accepted that you have to love yourself first...in fact... I think it's when you begin giving and helping others that you learn how to love, to accept love and appreciation from others, that you begin to love yourself. Volunteer for others. It will give you a certain type of reward that no one can take from you...and will build your self esteem as well.

Try not to seek out new friendships, but be nice to all and help who you can in a giving way (rather than to meet a need of your own.) True friendships will come along that way imo.

Work on the negative self talk. See the list of the 10 common cognitive distortions and what to do about them... (David Burns) I think it's still pinned in the psychotherapy forum? Counter the negative talk...even if you cannot yet give yourself positive affirmations.