Sounds really rough, I hope you're able to keep it together. I used to cut myself and now I haven't in about a year but every once a while I get triggered by something, much like what you're going through. I hope that having this forum is helping you.

I think your physical activity is the perfect thing for helping you through this situation. I encourage you to keep that going.

I will also second what Sam2 is saying, that's some real practical truth. I want to add a bit of advice of my own and that is - try not to be so hard on yourself. You say you pushed her and that you feel guilty for your feelings, you feel like you've made some mistakes. But you know what? Everyone makes mistakes and it's okay to make mistakes. And about your feelings? You are feeling hurt and you are feeling angry, I can understand why you would feel guilty but truly I think those emotions are very beautiful. Embrace your emotions, really let yourself feel them, it is painful but don't try to run away from them. Try to express them here and in healthy ways the best you can without resorting to self harm.

Do your best and that is good enough.

And remember that it's okay if you mess up, life is messy and we're all just a bunch of beautiful messy people.