Yesterday I realised something huge. Since many years back I've felt this huge need to understand everything, sort everything, compartmentalise everything, categorise everything etc. That includes thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to understand what causes my thoughts all the time and in my head it's impossible that, for example, something which makes me anxious could be caused by a whole mixture of things. In my head everything needs to have exact, specific and clear answers, otherwise I get really anxious. I realised that that might be an obsession as well. Perhaps my quest for answers and complete understanding is an obsession created by my OCD. If that's the case then OCD truly rules my life.

It started when I was 10 or so and I tried to understand why I felt so different and so frustrated all the time. I haven't been able to let it go since and the frustration has never left. It's like I think that if I could only understand why things are the way they are for me then maybe the frustration I've constantly felt since childhood would disappear. I put down an incredible amount of energy on trying to solve that mystery. If it's an obsession then I think the compulsion would probably be that I ruminate a lot and seek reassurance quite a bit. I understand this post might be construed as reassurance seeking as well but I really want to know whether what I've seen (and still see) as an unbelievably important puzzle to solve is just another intrusive thought. Perhaps it's all based on a "lie" OCD has created.

What do you think?