You are going to have to learn that no one can prevent you from harming yourself but you. Take responsibility for making the decision to harm yourself so severely that you had to be hospitalized. You wanted others to take care of you, and now they will. I know that sounds harsh, but I have been exactly where you are right now, and I had to learn that lesson myself. Ultimately, no one is responsible for my actions but me.

So, now that you are where you have access to safety and professionals who can help you find ways to help yourself, use their resources. Be blatantly honest about your mother's abusive behaviors. My pdoc was able to advocate for me when my husband's behaviors where detrimental to me.

You need to stay in the hospital this time long enough that the doctors can get you on medications that can stabilize you, long enough that the social workers can arranged competent after care with a pdoc and therapist, long enough that you can leave actually feeling safer and able to function.

Stay THROUGh the panic about your lack of music, etc. those feelings will pass so you can benefit from the services the hospital can provided. If you cut and run because you panic, you will end up right back in this same spot probably sooner than later.

Good luck to you, and use this as the starting point for positive changes in your life.