I thought I was over my exam anxiety. I have one last exam on Monday before my new term starts. Everything seemed to be working out, then I got sick and haven't been able to study for the past five days (I'm still not well). Today, I realized I won't make it and gave up in despair and spent the afternoon hating myself for not making it.

I realize that that's unproductive, but I'm so mad at myself that I couldn't concentrate (and I'm still in pain from being sick, and I can't exercise the anger away because of being sick). Every time things seem to be working out I somehow manage to fail- I'm probably going to lose a semester because I'm missing out on this stupid exam, which means I won't be able to make the next exam after it. And I won't even be able to take the seminar I wanted to take because I have to study for these two exams that are now hanging over me in addition to the minimum of normal coursework I have to take to graduate (Which also makes me feel like an imbecile because I can't cope with the normal curriculum).

Worst of all, I'm not that far off- I might've even made it if I hadn't blown this afternoon too. But no, I need to freeze up and just go watch tv instead of toughing it out. It's like I could do it academically/intellectually, but I suppose I'm just too lazy and I hate myself for my poor work ethic and for beating myself up instead of being productive but I can't stop.

And I think I'm making myself sick again from all the stress, which is just making things worse. I need to concentrate: I haven't got time to be sick. I'm not overworked: I could've studied during summer break but I blew it then too.

But even though my fever is pretty much gone and I have flu meds/pain killers anyway, I'm just sitting around beating myself up instead of getting stuff done. Sometimes I just hate myself, you know?

Worst of all, I'm almost happy that I'm sick, because I'm still terrified of taking the exam I mentioned before because I know that I won't do well on it since I haven't studied enough. Even if I put it off, I'm sure I'll just mess up. And then I'll let down my professor who used to think highly of me and screw up my chances at further exams with that professor.

I just keep wishing for some sort of miracle that I know I don't deserve because I'm a) not smart enough, b) not dedicated enough and c) just not putting in the effort I should be putting in. Sure, it's not my fault I got the flu, but I should've studied more beforehand and then I would've had time to spare to loaf around on the couch and cough up gunk.

Not to mention that I'm letting down my friends too- I'm falling behind them in all my courses so we won't be in the same classes anymore, so we can't do a study group together like we planned. I mean, they can do one without me I guess. I was really looking forwards to having study company, but I had to mess things up for myself again I'm such an idiot…