Quote:
Originally Posted by Teen Idle
My dad is just kind of a mute about the whole thing. He follows my moms lead. But then again, I try not to stress him out too much because he is on dialysis and I don't want to contribute to him getting worse. My sister and I have a great relationship. The sad thing is, my mom and I used to be best friends. Now it feels like I have to be near death for her to even lift up her head and go "okay, lets get you help".
This is whole new territory for me. I have been mentally ill most of my life, but I've never been so physically ill before and I am learning how that works myself. And I know a lot of people, some old friends, tell me that maybe this is her way of wanting me to find independence. The problem with that is I have been independent my whole life. From when I was 10 on, I did everything myself. If I felt ill, I took care of it. I started handling the bills when I was 14. I started working a full time job when I was 16. I always want to do everything alone. So me saying "I can't do this alone" is a huge step, even though it may seem like a step backwards.
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Im a bit confused....how long ago did your brother die...in your first post in this thread you stated....
I have had one of the worst times since my brother died from Friday to now.
so am I correct in assuming your brother has been gone only a week tomorrow?
Im going to be a bit blunt here......its no wonder your mom isnt very sympathetic and isnt thinking about you and your sister.. I look at my own children and I know I would not be able to handle something like their death by burying them one day and having to move on with my life with out them right away, at someone elses opinion of when I should put all my feelings,ptsd, depression rage,....aside to take care of other people.. if my daughter or son died I know exactly what would happen to me.. I would sit in their room curled up with their things and life be darned and gosh help the person that came to me saying come on get up you have me to take care of you have the other child to care for, you have to take this child to school, feed this child. I would be so angry and feel like doing bodily harm to who ever came to me suggesting I get on with my life at their pace not mine.. (even if my child was an adult when they died there is no way I would consider other people a week or two after my childs death)
I know harsh thing to say. but grieving doesnt happen over night.. for some people it can take years and years to get through the grief process. example here in the USA it is believed there are at least 5 parts to grieving the loss of someone. human beings dont usually jump from burying their lost ones to acceptance and moving on with their lives. they need time to cry, time to be angry, time to process what ever way in which the person died, time to go through depression, they need time to adjust to their new life with out the person that died, .....
you said in your post you realized that your life revolved around your brother...well a parents life revolves around their children from the day that child is born to the day that child dies. Im not trying to minimize your pain but maybe you can see it in another light.. no one can process a death in the same way. you may be able to move on with your life but for others it can take many many years.
when a person isnt allowed to move through their grief at what ever paces that is right for them dictated by their own body and mind...well thats when a whole host of mental problems /symptoms/disorders can happen...example if your mom shuts off her pain, depression, focusing on herself when she needs to, that can lead to her having depersonalization disorder, derealization disorder, dissociative amnesia, Complex PTSD, borderline personality disorder, psychosis, sleep disorders, eating disorders, and a whole bunch more.
I lost a family member 6 yrs ago. Im still finding myself going through the various grief phases about this person.
it may very well be that you and your 17 yr old sister may not be able to depend upon your parents for a long time depending upon how their minds process death/grief.
you and your sister know your sister is going to university in the fall. well what about neighbors, friends taking her in. then while shes on campus she can put her name on car pooling lists of other students willing to carpool with other students. most colleges also have dorms (these are buildings where students can live during their going to college/university) living on campus in dorms your sister wont need anyone to drive her to university because she will already be right there on campus.
with your parents going through grief, your sister and you may need to depend upon yourselves and your own treatment providers to find creative ways through things like transportation, medical care, self care, mental health care, housing/shelter/feeding yourselves..
most 17 yr olds are at a point in their life anyway where they feel their parents dont know squat and they want to do things on their own with out parents driving them everywhere, hanging over them with their friends and other things that other 17 -18 yr old boys and girls do together. my 17 yr old niece and a friend of hers just moved into their own apartment. granted that apartment isnt what we "adults" in her life like her in. its a studio no bedroom just a living room area, kitchen and extremely small bathroom. so they sleep on sleeping bags and a sofa sleeper couch. but they are having the time of their life and its close enough to both the college and the high school so they can continue with their schooling..thats all that matters. they come over alot to "barrow food or a few bucks to get them through to their next paycheck with the local grocery store, stocking shelves, sweeping floors cleaning up messes.)
17 yr olds can be quite resilant and creative when they want to be. lol.
you know what your mom and dad are capable of and not capable of, thats half the problem solved right there. you know you cant depend on them right now so nows the time for you and your sister to put your heads together. I bet you and your sister can come up with some amazingly creative ways to get through these hard times right now with out needing to push your parents beyond what they are capable of while they too process the lose of your brother/their son.