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So... I am finally movin' to Prague soon! Went to see my new (really new, just build) place... I am so ready for the metropolis! Done with countryside. It's nice in the summer, but in autumn is cold and somewhat depressing. It gave me the peace I needed, but now it feels rigid and turning me apathetic.
But I am somewhat worried. Prague triggers the best and worst in me. Makes me more sped up, sharp... manicky maybe. But there's downside, as Mater Urbium has darkside...
Maybe I wanna go to Prague not cause of job opportunities and cause NGOs are there (official version), but cause she is like me. Brilliant, wonderful, but tragic somehow. Has been hurt in the past. Is balancing and not too well between being stubborn byotch and trying to please those with power.
Can Prague handle one more crazy chick? Can a crazy chick handle Prague? I need the energy of crowds, I love to feel history under my feet... but it does trigger me indeed. Can I learn to shield from the bad? Can I handle her capitalist side without it making me somewhat cray-cray (like... I been to IKEA and it felt dystopic. Pretty much "I've seen the future, baby. It's a murder". Can I handle a grocery shopping or going to commercial parts of town without feeling I fell through time space crack into dystopia? Is it a mild psychosis or extreme hippiedom?).
Other thing... I been real depressed. Going up and getting over it... but it's been rough. My herbs help in that I don't wanna do away with myself. I have my Bach essences, but I think I need new mix. And eh, there's no essences for being triggered by capitalism and wanting to throw rocks. Hoping settling in will help. Maybe it's just being stuck. Maybe it's just that I still can't find a damn job... dear friend of mine said I am frustrating cause I am not using my potential. But I am not sure about that anymore. Maybe I will be happy to be a giant squirrel offering Thai massages. Not sure what I can do and if I wanna make the sacrifizes that doing "it" means.
I know I will be fine. But it still sucks. Cause I know I will get like this again, I will be hurting in the future. It's exhausting somehow.
I realized and admitted that I have some trauma issues. I wont go into it here, but it's quite scary and weird. I am not sure I can address this myself and how. Maybe I have to go through the phase where it hurts to heal and move on. Not sure.
Right now I am hoping Prague can save me... but it's naive. Nothing can save me.
But maybe I don't need to be saved.
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Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE
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