Seeking counseling need not just be about talking about your problems, but a trained professional can help you figure out why you don't open up to others. Your last sentences ask, is it this, or is it that? A trained professional would be better suited to answer that, so that, you can then work through that, if working through it, is something you want.
Plus they can help you over come you ideations. Feeling suicidal is serious! Hope you find in person support, or at least try the hotline, that number is posted on this site


And btw, you are not 'disgusting' for having an ED. Your ex fiancé, it was awful of him to say such a thing, it was judgmental and not supportive, at all!