So my biggest thing is that I can't maintain jobs and thus everything around me falls apart including my mental health. But my mental health is sorta bad anyway when things start out, so it is a catch 22.
I held on kicking and screaming to keep this job and no matter how many times I called off (and I'm just starting) the manager has been really kind and wants me. I even bought a Greyhound ticket for yesterday to go home as I was tired of failing and needed to see my partner, dog, cat, and garden. But then all of the sudden, something changed in me (the suitcase in the door and taxi called) and I told myself, I can do this! So I called my manager and we agreed that I'd start back on Friday.
Well here it is Friday and talking to my partner I saw myself so forlorn and unhappy that I couldn't believe it. We agreed that I would go out and do activities to get tired to go to bed tonight, to start tomorrow. Because it would be very possible to lose my career and more if I fail one more time. Well I called him not 10 minutes later telling him that I don't know who I was kidding, I can't do this. Maybe I could have at one time but missing so much and the manager already thinking I'm a flake (she's not wrong; but doesn't know mental health issues), maybe I need to get out of this situation to possibly start anew in the near future, but when I, myself, have stacked all the odds against myself, why stack even more odds.
The feeling in my chest is one of panic, stress, desperation, with a touch of despondency. I am resolved now to take that Greyhound and leave today back for home which takes away some of the anxiety of going to work, but replaces it with worry for my future, my parents' future (they help me out and they are losing money).
What will happen to me? Well after about a week when I'm home I'll get antsy and start looking for another job and will worry that no one will hire me (I've gone through about 20 jobs in the last two years) so it is a very real possibility, but hopefully somebody will hire me eventually...?
Also, the kicker here is that I've added alcoholism to my list of faults. I never drink when I'm with my folks, or drink at home. So I go months "dry" as they call it and then when I go off to work in a new place, I tend to feel this urge to go crazy and get drunk and meet men for a rendezvous at my hotel. (Of course I never meet these men), I just get drunk and then feel miserable for days afterwards. I don't drink at work, never have been drunk at work, try to drink way before I have to go to work, but that all doesn't matter. When I drink it messes my brain, sense of being, and nerves to the point where I either cry or stay frozen hoping that Seroquel will let me go back to sleep and have a nightmare, because any sleeping nightmare is better than the hell I'm living while awake.
So whether that makes me an alcoholic, I've tried so long, I'm gonna say yes it does. Because I want to learn to never drink again. I don't much like AA but am interested in SMART Recovery. Have gotten several kindle books on it. And am excited about never drinking again. Maybe if I had only partook when I was with people, it wouldn't have gotten so bad. But the years of doing it months on and months off alone in a hotel room, make it a problem.
I realize this is a very long post but I've needed to get this out. Thank you to all who have read this post in part or in its entirety. PC rules!