In the past, I've frequented the Depressoin, Anxiety (biggest problem), and BPD, forums, but I'm adding this one.
I wrote a long post in the Anxiety forum about all my life issues right now, but the biggest is not being able to keep a job for as long as I remember. Now it all relates to anxiety and I get so anxious that I can't get up and just go to work, even though when I have in the past, I do feel better. The problem is that for years, when I work, I would drink on my days off with a "buffer" day to heal up with the hangover and everything. It didn't matter. If I drink, it sends my brain into a tailspin where I'm in a personal hell for at least a day or two. Horrible anxiety haunts my every existence and despondency.
My current job, I can salvage, but it is new and I've already missed like two weeks, while my manager is understanding, I feel that it is even insurmountable at this point. This makes me scared because after 20 or so jobs in the last few years, I worry that each job may be my last. So over and over again, I forget that alcohol does this to me or don't care, and I drink. This is the problem. I honestly say I never want to drink again but I know tomorrow or the next day I'll be wanting to drink. I'm packing up and going home for a while so I won't have money/chance to drink anyway.
HOWEVER, I can't ever risk drinking again next time I start a job because it is certain ruin. I've purchased "Unwasted", a good book about someone's sobriety and am looking into SMART Recovery. I am not really into AA. (Actually I'm without a car and live in Tijuana) It would be hard make it to meetings there, plus EVERYONE knows me in the colonia where I live, I prefer to do things online. I know I do need help and and am just saying hi here in this post and telling you what I plant to do.
Not drinking when I'm without a job is not a big deal, because the stressors aren't there I guess. But as soon as I have a job, my brain is used to getting a reward for a hard days work and then everything goes to hell. Does anyone have experience with this? I know there are lot functioning alcoholics and I'm kinda jealous of them because they can hold down a job.
Thank you all for reading.