Hello. Well i am 20 and I'm suffering from severe depression nowadays. I've lost immense weight cause of stress. I've endless problems. I even failed my exams due to distractions. I believe I'm even suffering from body dysmorphic disorder since I'm extremely social phobic and think about my flaws all the time. I'm a good looking person but I can't keep this fact in my mind. My mind keeps reminding me of how imperfect I am. When I look in the mirror I can only see asymmetry in my face. Looking back I was always like this but now it has gotten out of hands. I look in the mirrors alot but then I avoid them too just as much. I really don't talk to people anymore fearing they'll notice my flaws and I'll embarrass myself. I think I'm wasting my youth and I'm too thankless for all I've got. At the same time I'm narcissistic too. Sometimes I believe somehow I'm different and smart and pretty but the imperfection thoughts are slowly eating me away. I've started looking at celebrities pictures and comparing myself to them involuntarily. It's so hard. When I don't get attention or don't get talked to I cry and get so depressed. I lock myself up. I've a large family and nobody really cares among any of them. I've become so weak to the point where I believe my life might end soon, which I even want to. I was always religious but now even my faith has become so weak. I get suicidal thoughts. I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm in a relationship with a guy suffering from bipolar disorder I so believe. He has effected my life a lot too. He has kind of pushed in the knife that was already inside of me due to a terrible childhood. Worst thing is I'm in love with him and so afraid of him too. He was too nice in the beginning but you know how bipolar disorder shows its true colours later. He blames me and my family for every thing that goes wrong in his life. That's what bipolar people do. I've been there for him the whole time and he has always treated me ****, while he thinks he 'made' me the smart person I'm right now. I'm with him cause our personalities sort of match and he's very intelligent. He knows everything. But he doesn't understand me at all. Since the beginning I've always stayed quiet while he'd say all the worst things in the world to me. He breaks up with me twice a week since four years and it has always killed me. Two months ago he totally left saying he deserved better but came back now. Those two months I had really straightened myself up and so strongly I had moved on despite being crap heart broken. But now he's back and I realise it can't work anymore. My parents never liked him cause of his mental illness and never accepted him. That struck me and him badly. His self esteem is deeply affected and I cannot believe I'd never be able to marry the person I love. He doesn't ever accept his mistakes and he'll never make up to my mother for weird things he told her. I've always waited for the day when he'd really listen to me and I can clear his path and we can be together but he hates me to bits cause of my family and is making my life hard. He has started telling me now that if I make him even a bit upset while talking he'll show my family my nude pictures. My older sister got married and I'm terrified that I'm the next one now and I fear I'd never find someone like my guy but with a lovely and peaceful heart. I'm dying to be loved. I'm frustrated as hell. I love him so much it's almost impossible to ever let him go. Though I can't leave him. He says he'll ruin my life and tell the future guy(if exists ever) strange things about me. Plus I cannot think of being with another new guy in future. I've been with my guy only and i can never touch anyone else. It'll be heartbreaking thinking I couldn't get the man I love (my guy) and I'm with this new jerk. I think Worst feeling is that of guilt. He blames me for everything and I feel so guilty. I forget my reality that I'm actually innocent and that I've drowned along with him cause of his illness. It's like I've given him my hand to help him out of water but instead I'm drowned down too. My education is effected the most. I fear I'll die or take my life before I can even do something good in life. I'm not going to kill myself God will hate me but still when I'm too depressed then I think of future suicide which is a sick thought. My dream was to get in a medical college and study medical but I failed the test. I'm going to give it next year. But I'm really stuck somewhere. Please help. I'm not listened to at home too. Even because I don't want to tell anyone these things. I don't trust anybody anymore. I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe in dreams anymore. So I need real help. Plus I can't see a psychiatrist or therapist for real that's why I'm here. I can't even go out to party and crap. I'm not into that stuff. So please help me allign everything in my head. I'll be so grateful