I am so sorry that your father did these awful things to you and your mother didn't help you. I don't know if she knew or not, but the fact is you were let down by both of them and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that T didn't report it also. It's fine that you are glad he is dead - I'm glad on your behalf.

I'm sorry if this is too strong for you to hear right now, but forced oral is a form of rape. It's called oral rape. I have jaw problems for similar reasons, also involving my father. Would it help you to know that I told my T in an email and he was very understanding and not disgusted at all. I felt better for telling him. I hope you can tell yours too.

It was NOT your fault. You were NOT awful. He treated you awfully and made you feel awful but you were and are not. Nobody ever deserves to be abused, there is never ever any justification for it and he shouldn't have done it. You are right: he should have looked after you and protected you and I'm so sorry he didn't.

I for one have been utterly tormented by these questions of why my dad did... similar things. It really, really hurts. But my T says none of this is insurmountable. It is possible to heal. I know it hurts, but you won't always feel this tormented by it, even if it doesn't seem like it now.