hi Teresa
It sounds like you have a lot of chaos surrounding your boyfriend and family. You say you need real help but then state you cant see a psychiatrist or psychologist. why not? they are the best choice to help you right now. I don't know that you really need a psychiatrist, but you could definitely benefit from a therapist to help you sort out your feelings. we are not professionals here and can only offer feedback on whatever feelings you share. please consider getting professional help if you hope to change your current circumstances and alleviate your depression. take care.