My upbringing had some similarities to yours. I agree that it is a parent's job to continually encourage their child to develop a sense of responsibility and autonomy, a stable separate identity, and that keeping them mentally dependent on the parent only prolongs the journey into maturity. People are expected to be able to choose their own actions and face the consequences by their late teens, so the parent should definitely be leaving room for their child to do those things (in a somewhat controlled way) by the mid teens or even earlier. Otherwise, you get a legal adult who still has to figure everything out regarding identity, choices and consequences. This person may make bad decisions that negatively impact him or her for a long time while in the process of figuring things out, and he or she will be less likely to take the initiative and seize positive opportunities.

There are plenty of people, my own mother included, who would say that this is why a person should continue listening to and obeying his or her parents even well into adulthood. Separation isn't necessary because the parents can continue to provide guidance - and by the time the parents are gone, the person will have internalized their thoughts and wishes to such an extent that they will live on in the person's head.

A lot of that is cultural, and it does tend to apply less generally to people raised by American parents.

I believe that while that model may work for some people, many others (like you or me) are simply not cut out to thrive with it. A lot of people have "shoulds" around this topic - i.e. a person "should" thrive with it, and failure to do so is a sign of something wrong with the person. I think there are no "shoulds" here. It is perfectly possible to parent in a manner that encourages your child to become a healthily independent, autonomous individual. If you sense that your child needs this (which is true more often than not), then things are going to go a lot more smoothly if you provide it than if you adhere to something that doesn't work.

Perhaps you can tell that I'm passionate about this, because I've written a lot! I too went through childhood and adolescence feeling totally stifled and faced criticism from well-meaning people about how I "should" not feel that way.

All that being said, one of the benefits of getting a bit older is that I care less and less about what well-meaning people think about how I should feel or what I should do. You will never convince them of your point of view, because they have a vested emotional interest in keeping their own point of view. And luckily - now that you make your own life - their opinions don't matter!