I have a really weird scar on my forearm from the only times I have cut.

I was feeling really bad one day when I was depressed. It was a worse day than others. One of those days where even existing was painful. So I cut.

I think I cut to see what all the fuss was about. I once tried cutting when I first heard about it when I was a kid in like grade 9 or 10.. but that was out of pure curiousity, not emotion. When I tried, I couldn't do it because I was like wtf? Why would someone do that to themselves?! It hurts!

Later on, it kind of lead to my rationale as to why I decided to cut myself. It's precisely because it hurts is why I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel physical pain to distract myself because the emotional pain I was feeling seemed unbearable.

however, that first time I actually SIed.. it didn't leave a mark. Just a temporary scratch.

My roommate came home. I tried opening up to her about how I was feeling. Said I felt like cutting again. She grabbed a knife and said let's both do it! (She was unstable like that... I mean I didn't think she'd actually suggest such a thing in my vulnerable state.. but people surprise you) I agreed. She really grated hers into her. I made enough to make a mark.

The next time, and very last time I did it, I did it under the same circumstances. Well, my roommate wasn't there. But I was in such emotional pain and so disturbed by all of it and didn't know where to turn to.. that I made a huge cut running perpendicular through the first one.

That's right. I know kind of have a scar that looks like the sign of the cross.

I was also going through stuff back then too. (back then.. this is like... 4 months ago..) Trying to find my place in the world. Was I meant to be religious? Or was I meant to be totally secular? Or could I just believe, but not have to be so damn uptight about everything and just be open-minded?

I dunno. I think I made my scar a cross to remind myself that crosses can save. I'm not trying to convert you guys.. but for me it had personal significance. Jesus died on the cross. I guess I made my scar into a cross as a way to prevent myself from doing it again. As like a poignant permanent symbol.

Like a permanent symbol that I too have suffered. It's almost like a warrior scar.

Oh I don't even know!

Because sometimes I get the urge to cut.. sometimes I look at my scar and think of opening it up again to make it stand out more or the lines more even (that's kind of weird.. isn't it? ).
But then I quickly try to shift my attention to something else.

I've also gotten rid of negative people who drain me in my life.. so I think that's helped too.