Update..... LONG

Last night (Thursday) we talked a lot. I think me punching the car and then bursting into tears made us both stop and realize things, just aren't good. Him asking me to go IP hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks. Finding out my son's therapist wants me to attend next session because my son needs to talk to me but “doesn't feel safe”. The fact that it made me feel angry (almost moved towards violence), ambushed, and feeling I'll just make things worse so that he never opens up to me concerned both myself and husband as I am the one my son turns to for everything including puberty issues.

We Found out unless we are psychotic or impulsive enough that we harmed ourselves and go through the ER We are stable enough for our level of care. We called our Pdoc's (both offices), T's, and case worker. I left a message for T about the options I have other then IP, & PHP. No one called us back today. So he raised his AD and I raised my MS until we get a hold of someone. Our pdocs are generally okay with us ripping each other off medication when psychotic and changing meds until we get a hold of someone.

I let my husband read some of my posts trying to figure out when things went bad for both of us and my feelings about what's going on. We went through our rules and crisis plans and realized we are just not holding ourselves or each other to the standards that we normally do therefore neither of us our safe. We had already put in several plans if things went bad. We realized though we are voicing our concerned to our own therapist, we do not to each others therapist, or each other. As of late we seem to be actually hiding things We had a long talk about our concerns for each other, my irratic behavior and his intense sui feelings. So it seems I'm exploding he's imploding. We are both more concerned for the other more than ourselves. I also explained how violated I felt finding out he used 'my tools' to harm himself.

The fact that we were confused about putting are pre-made plans into action and we caught it early (for us) speaks volumes to how much better we were doing. We do need to sit down and figure out what is hypo-manic, manic, psychotic, basic line, depressed, psychotically depressed for each of us and when and what to do. Like I said my most recent posts were thought of as severe when we would label them as possibly hypo-manic or a bit depressed. We are planing on revising our crisis plans, the tools we put in place and all those things and making a little book out of it so we can refer to it whenever we get concerned for the other.

We are going to sit down and write a letter to my pdoc about my most recent behavior and med issues and deliver it Monday morning. So if he feels he needs to contact me for a sooner appointment he can. I'm okay with T not calling me back but our care options are something we definitely need to talk about. We need to get everything in place because 11 months from now we are moving to another state and it takes time getting into the mental health system.