Twinks, remember that you're a very complex, unique organism! Nothing you think/feel/do is just one thing, neat and simple. But "love" isn't neat or simple either. What exactly do you mean by love? My therapist listened to me better and for longer than anyone else I have every know. Because of her quality of listening and skill as a therapist, I learned to listen to and see myself clearer and work in partnership with another person well to do it. I love her and a lot of my love has nothing at all to do with transference. But no one "out there" listens to one like that. My ideal of a listener, does not exist in reality! In some ways, what I "love," my idea about love does not exist either. There's no such thing as the all-good mother.

The difference between transference love and real love, I believe, is the part where you know the "other half" and still love. The parts where you can keep your feet on the ground and know exactly why you love someone, and it's a "real" reason that if you were to explain to a third party, they'd agree, that's "real" love and belongs to you to keep. If it makes you ashamed or causes you pain, that's probably not love, is probably a problem of transference or some other thought or emotional corner you've painted yourself into over the years. Unless it's an abusive mother/parent, "Love" shouldn't hurt. No adult love should hurt. But yes, we do hurt when we're grown and that's what therapy is all about, to learn where that comes from and how to make the hurt stop.