I have had one of the worst times since my brother died from Friday to now. I just realized my whole life revolves around my dead brother. I was told to go to the ER today by my GP due to vomiting and dehydration from the steroid treatment I have been put on. The problem is, the steroids have been causing mood swings. And I've never had mood swings before. And they are horrid.

When my mom heard the news, she said "okay, let's just see how you feel" which I thought was something meant to be comforting. She then listed off all of the hospitals we CAN'T go to because my brother went there once or had to stay here once etc etc. So I have been vomiting all day, dehydrated, tired. All the GP wanted me to do was go in, get an IV and checked out, and then leave. I had to call out of work today; the job that my parents bullied me into, under the assumption that I'd be going. Instead my mom just shrugged it off and said "Lets see how you feel tomorrow". Which means "too bad".

I understand my mom lost a son. I lost a brother. We both have PTSD. I get it. But she CANNOT keep dictating everyone's life based off of his sadly short life. I cannot make her realize that my sister (who is 17) is going to need her. That she's going to want her mom to drive her to University in the fall. That she's going to want and need that love and it just. Does nothing. Nothing can get through to her. My grandmother calling her and telling her off doesn't work, me crying and begging doesn't work. And now I am just. I've reached my limit.

I am back to thinking awful thoughts again, I am obviously not eating so falling back into my anorexia and it's not even my FAULT. I haven't been taking my meds because my new therapist, yet again, has not refilled my anti-depressant. I feel like I am on the ledge all over again when I have done so much work to get so far back from it. And I know this feeling. It's like drowning without water but you don't kick or scream because you've been here once before and you just let it take you. I can't do this again. I am 23 and I can't self destruct and stop my life again.

I am just so tired. I am realizing I never really mattered. I probably never will. And it causes me to be angry with my dead brother. Which just formulates more guilt.

I am so tired.