hello all,

i'm happy to say that since my last very public breakdown on here, i've finally found a med combo that works for me. And it's only two meds! least amount of drugs i've ever been on. most of the time i was on an AP, AD, and a MS. now i'm just on an MS and AP and it's been working wonderfully. i've only had maybe four days of depression and they were in the beginning of the month when i was super stressed out with work. i think my IOP is really helping me with that since i've got somewhere to go three days a week that I can relax and be myself. I usually try to hide any distress at work and at home so it's nice to have somewhere to go where i know i won't scare anyone or be judged negatively for my feelings.

That being said, i've been suffering from extreme irritability for about a week now. this past week in school was terrible because my students just got on every last nerve! I've also been yelling at my husband for a week and he's not appreciative. but i don't have any other symptoms of an episode - irritability hits me in both depression and mania, but more so in mania - so i'm going to guess it's PMS. without birth control i get pretty bad PMS, different symptoms each month. this might just happen to be a b!tchy month. I will find out soon.

I'm just so glad i found something that works for me. I've never had any luck with medication and i'm amazed that i've been stable for a whole month. my episodes were cycling at two week intervals before.

i feel like the stability is too new right now to rock the boat, but i hope to get off the AP sometime in the future. it's caused me to gain about 15 pounds (so far) and it's completely killed my sex drive. which i can live with but the tension it causes with my husband really sucks. the psychotic features of my illness so far only present in mania, and if the MS can keep that at bay, I might not need the AP for the long term. But like I said, I don't want to take a chance right now. I never want to experience what I experienced in August again. It was one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. plus side - I can finally admit and accept that I do have bipolar. this whole time I've been doubting, thinking maybe I just make it up in my head or do it for attention or something, but that dysphoric manic episode made me see that I'm not in control of my episodes at all. it made me admit to myself that i need to do whatever i can to prevent this disorder from taking over my life.

Back to the school salt mines on Monday. I'm instituting new rules in my classroom because I have a younger class this year that needs more structure than my seniors did last year. I have a fifty fifty mix of freshman and seniors, but the seniors i have all act much younger than their age so I feel they'll benefit from the rules change as well. it's going to be a tough couple of weeks because my students aren't used to the hard approach from me, hell i'm not used to it myself, but it will be most helpful in the long run (i hope).

Funny story from school:
student was complaining about the writing assignment (a simple narrative) because I wouldn't let her plagiarize it from the internet (COMMON SENSE, i know)
Student: you're asking too much from me! It's like asking a crackhead to make his own crack!
Me: (total exasperation) a crackhead WOULD make his own crack if it was his only option!!! (pause) wow, things I never thought I would have to say as a teacher part 2.

facepalm on that one.

nice talking to you all, hope everyone is doing well.