Hi everyone, I haven't posted for a while but I feel like I need to write some stuff down, I would really appreciate any opinions

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, some of the time its in the background but at the minute, for a few weeks now, I feel like its consuming me and my life entirely.

I have seen my doctor and have been taking the medication she prescribed for the last 4 weeks, Dosulepin 75mg/day. She thought that the sedative effect it has would be good for me because I don't sleep well and am agitated
apparently

For the first couple of weeks it was working with regards to helping my sleep but now its not working and I don't know what to do

I think I haven't really ever felt so depressed as now, I have felt worse with anxiety but never so low. Everything is too hard, getting up, holding a conversation, catching a bus...it exhausts me but I still can't sleep

I'm under a lot of pressure at work at the minute but I'm too tired, I'm reaching the point that I just don't care about the job I used to love. I want to quit and go to bed and stay there.

I dread going to sleep even though I'm desperate to, I can't bear the thought of waking up and having to face another day. I don't think I'm suicidal but I think about death a lot, I don't think I'd mind if I just didn't wake up one day but I don't have the energy or inclination to be actively suicidal

I just don't understand all of this, why after months of no medication (I was previously on Prozac 40mg/day last year) when I finally start taking medication again do I get worse and worse. I am on the waiting list for therapy but I am going to throw away my career if this doesn't get better soon

My doctor is sweet but she is just a GP not a specialist and I don't think she realises how bad I feel because I can't explain it in words and if I tell her about how much I dream about dying then she'll stop the Dosulepin because of it being easy to overdose on and what if it is actually working and its the only thing holding me up right now?

I'm just so tired and afraid and confused. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want to worry my family so I tell them I'm fine when they ask

I don't think the Dosulepin is working but I asked her for Prozac (which worked better straight away before) and she says she thinks a tri-cyclic AD is a better option for me but didn't explain why.

I don't know what to do for the best, I can't think straight for long enought to make any kind of decision

Thanks everyone for letting me rant, its 1.20am so I guess I'd better go to bed and at least try to sleep. Thanks again

Polkadotpixie x