I am starting to recover memories, but nothing I have so far is an absolutely horrible, past more common levels of abuse. I say this because my abuser had many victims, and I am the only one who developed a dissociative disorder as a result.

I am aware of the debate surrounding the level of abuse/traum that needs to happen in order for a person to split in the first place. I just don't know how I fit in. I was extremely young, and either didn't know to tell other people, or when I did tell them they didn't understand or help. I've heard people talk about the "aloneness" of a child as a factor in their ability to cope with trauma.

I also know that part of being a survivor of abuse, and someone with a dissociative disorder, includes not being able to validate your experience. However, I sometimes wonder whether I'm just imagining it all, even when those around me confirm that I change completely depending on which part of me is in control. I sometimes wonder if it is just some amazingly vivid imaginary game I've just perfected over the years. At times it feels so real and at other times I feel like a fraud.