Hi Alli. I'm a 23 year old male in a similar situation. I too have tried to pretend that I am doing OK to my family, but really I was doing horrible. I eventually just came out and told them the truth, that I have severe depression and I'm working on it. I think what you're doing is trying to protect yourself. I don't think it is wrong, people do it all the time. But for me, I'd rather tell people the truth about me even though it isn't pleasant.

I'm also a virgin, I've never been in any sort of relationship. I am ashamed of it as there is this huge stigma of being a virgin past like age 20 or so. I think that if you want to avoid hurting yourself, you should just come out and tell people the truth. It really relieves a lot of the pressure.

I live with my parents also, have no goals or plans, socially awkward and not going anywhere. So I know what it feels like. I am glad that you have a positive view of yourself being a good person and being attractive, I don't even have that. You should keep that up.

When you say you lie to your psychiatrists I think that it is because you've been protecting yourself this way for so long that it is something that just happens even if you didn't want it to. It is a personal boundary issue I think.

I think I'm a loser all the time, but it won't help to think that way. You have to go back to your positive things, like you said you were attractive, that is a positive self-esteem right there. Do you have a therapist? If you don't I'd suggest getting one because they can help guide you on a journey to recovery. It takes time. I'm currently working on it and don't really see much hope but I figure since I'm going to be here for the long-haul I might as well try to help myself.