Possible triggers, also REALLY long. I'm saying this here because I won't say it to anyone else.

I think I'm completely mentally healthy and making a big deal out of nothing. On the other hand, I think I'm minimizing.What I do know is that I'm having a really hard time at home, at work and with interpersonal relationships in general.

My attention span is complete garbage. Sometimes people say things to me and I have no recollection of what they said. I thought it was memory, but when I got tested for ADHD they said I had a great memory but a bad attention span. I also don't have ADHD. So that's not the reason for the attention span problems I've become frustrated with over the years or the randomness when I'm talking to people.

I think my boss is trying to fire me. He's been out to get me from the beginning. The supervisors follow me sometimes, and look for mistakes I'm making. He scrutinizes every mistake I make more than everybody else. How do I know this? I can sense it. I can also tell when the supervisors are watching me. I feel like my co-workers are also making fun of me and looking down on me all the time. I feel like they're reporting to the supervisors. I also feel like the people on the bus are always talking about me. Nobody has actually said anything to me. This has ruined most of my relationships at work. I antagonize the boss and the supervisors. I isolate myself from my coworkers. I find myself feeling wronged, being angry with them and judging them over this stuff that might not be real.

My family is more patient because they think I'm "crazy". I've said a lot of the above to to them and I've gotten "I think you're actually losing your mind, get some help." They're also worried because I have conversations with myself out loud. I talk and answer myself with what I think another person might say. I've asked someone about that before and they said it's common among people who spend lots if time alone and not a cause for concern.

I don't have any friends. I don't care to have any. I don't trust people so I keep everyone at a safe distance. I spend all of my time outside of work, alone in my room. I've been waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes with nightmares about everybody scrutinizing me and telling me I do everything wrong. Other times I just wake up for no reason. I get these urges to self harm the way I used to when I was younger. I also think about dying several times a day. I'm not sad or down on myself though.

I'm really frustrated and I just want some answers about what is going on with me. Nobody else around me has these problems. I'm looking forward to that psychiatrist appointment.