Hey, I've been wandering round these forums for about an hour and I'm hoping someone could help me out. I've read a lot about how people have trouble being touched for example by boyfriends or husbands, and I went through the same thing almost 2 years ago.

I was abused when I was younger by several people. Of course I didnt know that what was happening to me was wrong back then, but when I turned 11 or 12 it suddenly clicked and Its always seemed to follow me. When I met my current boyfriend it took a long time of building up the level of touch and closeness to the point where we could hug and I dont think I could do it again. Especially not with a stranger, which is where I am now.

I recently had to go to the hospital.. and I've been told that I need to have a precedure done - a Flexible Cystoscopy because they cannot diagnose whats wrong with me. But it's just about the most invasive precedure anyone could have thought out. I've always had a fear of doctors, and of being touched, but I can't comprehend what will happen after this. I had the same feelings before going through a Gyn exam, and I came out of that totally broken. I can't describe the huge breakdown I had in the aftermath of something everyone kept telling me was "nothing to worry about". It took a long time to get past and even now the thought is as imprinted on my mind as the abuse all those years ago.

I'm sure someone out there will have had similar experience or feelings. I'm simply asking for some advice as to how I can prepare myself for this. Or any alternatives. I thought that perhaps a female doctor could help but It made no difference when the time came.

I know there is no cure for what's happened in the past, but there must be a point where things can be normal again. I don't want to sacrifice my health and well being, but at the same time I dont know if i could recover from something like this. I've already sworn never to set foot in a Gyn office again and the only thing stopping me from cancelling at the hospital is my boyfriend.

I'd be so thankful for any help or advice out there...

Sara x