MTJ, I can feel for where you might be. Personal MH problems combined with ineffectiveness and hurtfulness with the MH system itself. Not a good "mix". Sounds like you're coping the best you can. I didn't cope so well sometimes, either. Finally got a skilled competent therapist and making good progress. Don't quite recognize myself now because . . . I'm different. More good different than otherwise. . . but still scary, kind of unknown, one step and day at a time.