For the longest time I was without meds, and I refuse to believe I was bipolar. Even with the mania psycosis, and the suicidal thoughts and ideations I refuse to believe it. I told myself I'm scizo, I'm depressed, I'm adhd, I'm DID, I'm anything BUT bipolar.

I was scared of the stigma...

Now, I'm on Limectal and at first I hated it. I hated how it made me feel, I hated what it took away from me. I hated how I couldn't think anymore, I hated no longer feeling like me.

Now, after being on it for a while I understand why I didn't stop. Every day for the last 5+ years my brain has been telling me "I want to die" over and over and over. Never had it stopped but on medication for the first time it's not telling me that. That thought is gone.
I still cycle and I'm still depressed but.. for the first time, I can see clearly.

For now I am going to stick with medication.

I still hate it, but as I learned at a TBI conference, Don't look to feel like your old self, make a new normal.

Lillyleaf