Hi breemarie

Im sorry to hear what you are going through, my heart goes out to you. i understand the feelings you have, of being ashamed, scared, alone, everything. there are things you could do to help yourself, and there are people there that can help.

first off, never be ashamed of who you are, no one should ever be ashamed of being themselves, ever! i can see why you are, but please, dont. you are having a hard time lately, what with depression and everything else, and you are doing all you can to defeat it. you are still alive, and that is honourable. dont worry about family, as they are not in your shoes, their opinions are invalid, as are anyones who dont know what depression is really like. many people merely try to imagine how it feels, and they "advise" you on what to do without knowing depression, and this is wrong. it sounds to me like your boyfriend is going through his own troubles right now and needs to keep himself active to escape these troubles. try offering him a trip out somewhere, just the two of you, somewhere you both enjoy. it will help you focus on something else, and spending time with your bf will hopefully bring the two of you that little closer.

this depression will pass, it isnt forever. i promise. i would suggest you go see a therapist, begin therapy as that will help dramatically. and see the doctor about meds, they will help the depression a little, making you more focused on other things, such as a job. if you begin by doing a little part time job in a local shop etc, then when your confidence rises, you can expand your hours, thus getting you more financial security too. i know you are afraid to work, iw as in that situation myself too, but i forced myself to get a job - i jumped into the deep end though, by going fro, being out of work for 12 months (manic depression too) into a full time, 5 day a week job. it was hard for sure, but in the long run it saved me. i was afraid, and i didnt want to do it, but i knew i couldnt live the way i had been. it was time for change.

try setting yourself goals, and as its the last day of 2006, try setting new years resolutions for 2007, simple goals to start off with, then achieve them. then set newer ones, harder ones. even if you start off with something simple like going for a walk everyday, or going to the doctors. nothing impossible. then the knowledge that you are achieveing these goals will lift your confidence and help you achieve the more difficult goals, like getting a job. but start off with setting easy goals first, and take your time.

i hope you fel better soon, i really do.

take care

simon