Hi Faith,
just my two cents and i hope i dont offend but i dont think doing drugs, being 'mean' or even having an abortion represents any 'ugliness' inside of you. i think everyone is capable of all of that. thats what free will is about. i think it represents pain and turmoil and confusion, yes. but from the sound of things you havent done any of that sort of thing for years so to me that signifies that you havent changed who you are but what you do. thats the most important thing. we can all do evil, bad, dangerous, hurtful things but we can choose not to as well and thats what you re doing. just that choosing makes you a good person.
hope i understood what you were saying ok and that what i wrote is ok. i dont mean any insult or anything.
take care of yourself and happy new year.
biiv