My obsession with perfectionism is a definite manifestation of OCD. I am so glad I know it now; it took over a decade for me, or anyone else, to realize this because I never sought help. When I was young, in my teens and early twenties, I mostly obsessed with perfectionism towards things like my appearance or image, doubting my peers liked or accepted me, very teenage type of stuff but of course way out of proportion to the angst of the average person, which caused me to have an eating disorder and compulsively exercise every day to the point that I almost killed myself from lack of nutrition and exhaustion. This need for perfection also caused major social anxiety and depression for me that soon lead to self harming, and finally I took to abusing alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy. However, by my mid-twenties, I began to push away from the substance abuse in an effort to get my life back on track. I enrolled in university part time, was writing freelance part time for music websites as an interviewer and reporter/reviewer, AND working full time at my day job in the international travel industry. People thought I was insane for tackling so much at once, but I felt proud and even liked that people thought I was kind of superhuman, after being a messed up individual for so long.
Suddenly my striving for perfection turned towards academics and my career. On the outside this was a brilliant evolution of my existence. To everyone, it looked like I was a new person with a bright future and a really exciting life and exciting friends and contacts all around the world and in the music industry! The truth was, I was still VERY ill. I was doing productive things on the outside, but on the inside I was driving myself past the brink of sanity. I could go on and on with the exact specifics of what was going through my head, or the ridiculous compulsive checking and doubting behaviour with every task I did at work, school, my writing gigs, but I would take forever to finish this reply post because on a "Bad Day" I can take HOURS to write the most simple paragraph because I obsess over it not being good enough. EVER. You know, one of the moments that made me realize I had "lost it," was one day at my desk in the office, I re-wrote at least ten times, a Post It note. All it said was some simple, short instruction for my co-worker to read later, and I was so FRUSTRATED because every time I wrote it down on the Post It, it looked "ugly" to me. The way I crossed my T's or dotted my I's. Like... what the eff?! It's a stupid Post It note!!! That's when I first really started to admit to myself something was wrong...
I am currently on my 4th week of Cipralex, and I am soooooo grateful and amazed that so far it seems to REALLY be improving my perfection obsessions. Not saying it would work for everyone of course, but for me, so far I can't believe the positive changes. I wrote 3 pages of an article yesterday, when it would have taken me A WEEK OR MORE to do the same amount of writing. As someone who wants so badly to be a professional writer and author "when I grow up," I can't even explain to you how relieved I am that I can finally WRITE again without being paralyzed in absolute, irrational fear. 5 years of having the worst Writer's Block ever. That's what I thought it was... until it caused me to have a nervous breakdown where I had to quit my job because I could no longer work because of it. So here I am now, have not worked for 3 months, have been on meds for 1 month, starting therapy tomorrow. I can't believe I have suffered since I was a child, but I am so happy to be on the right road now, recovering!!!! I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever have any questions about my experience with perfectionism, I am more than happy to help "compare notes" or give advice. Now here is a real test to see if my obsession is getting better... I am going to submit this reply, and then count to see how many times I feel compelled to re-read what I just wrote to check for grammar, punctuation, spelling errors or if I said something inappropriate or unintentionally insulting or if did not explain myself well enough!