Cailin, please be gentle with yourself and hang on even if you can't find any safe way out. You can ride out the worst times--it'll let you up for air once in a while.

I think they do people a disservice by calling these mood disorders. It's more of a full on existential crisis -- a total loss of the part of the self that keeps things under control. Kinda like the inner grown-up deserted you to leave you with the inept inner child & bossy inner super critic to fight over what's left. I hope you get yourself back soon. The folks here understand and always try to help. It's a great place to be safe. Please stay safe.