Poppy,

I am in a similar boat and your post led me to register here.

I often have no hope. Tonight is one of those times. Sure life has ups and downs, but the downs outweigh any ups.

I'm also not spiritual. I'm just not super driven to explore that space. My therapist harps on this, but I don't care, yes I feel unfulfilled but I just don't feel like that is the answer.

I kinda feel like it's just a way to convince yourself not to be sad over reality -- similar to positive thinking and having hope -- wishing for the best, trying not to feel bad about your life when you really do feel bad about your life.

Anyways. What good are the ups if the truth of your life lies in the downs? In my early 30s, truly feel like my life is waste and I will feel like this forever. And I've tried, I promise I've tried. But it always comes down to this assessment that life sucks, i hate my life, i hate myself, no one will ever love me, etc.

And I just want to know why. Why I have to go through this struggle. I know I don't have it bad. A job, family, roof over my head. But the general disappointment of life... why, why couldn't I have a different life, one where I was a happy person, who was loved and fulfilled their potential?

Taking meds, 5+ years with therapist.... never any new answers, just a new cocktail and the same tired suggestions of how to "change" my life.